calie15: (Default)
[personal profile] calie15
Title: Loss and Love 1/1
Rating: NC-17 (Not full on smut, don't get very excited.)
Summary: Post Collateral. Oliver contemplates their past, how they came to be, his pain, and what he wants for his future with her.
Notes: Thank you [livejournal.com profile] sxymami0909 for editing!

It was hair tickling his nose that drew him from sleep. Scrunching his nose slightly, he finally became aware of his surroundings. Cool air touched his exposed arm, cheek and back, but the rest of him was warm, almost over heated. It wasn’t that he was unaware of his surroundings as he woke, but he slightly marveled at how familiar the feeling was and wasn’t at the same time.

Opening his eyes he stared at the back of Chloe’s head, not ready to budge, almost scared maybe it was an illusion and if he looked away, twitched, the mirage would disappear. Although he knew it wasn’t a dream, wasn’t foolish enough to think that, he was in awe at the fact that it could be. In fact, it seemed much more likely that it was.

Finally, Oliver couldn’t resist and pushed himself up on his arm, propping his head in his hand, and stared down at her profile. There was no moonlight to filter in through the windows to expose her face to him, no stars that night. The rain tapped against the metal and glass, disrupting the quiet of Watchtower, but soothing just the same. The only available light came from one of the overhead lamps in the rear of the tower, just enough light that you wouldn’t trip.

Lifting his hand from where it lay settled on Chloe’s waist he pulled it from under the blanket and brushed her hair from her face, exposing it. His eyes flickered over the curls, the neat arch of her brow, the blond lashes that laid against her freckled cheek, the line of her lips, relaxed in sleep, parting just slightly. For a moment he felt the urge to lean down and kiss them, but he resisted.

Instead he just stared, his mind working overtime as he remembered falling asleep with her in his arms and everything before that. Not just hours before that, but years, trying to understand what the hell had happened and how he had gotten to where he was.

Letting go that night, had been almost too easy. In bed with her, there hadn’t been much time for foreplay, only an overwhelming need to be inside of her for so many reasons. To find a release he had denied himself since she had left, be close to her again, inside of her, feel the comfort of her around him, to just let go, finally be able to forget. It was all too easy when he slid into her. The past few hours in bed with her were a mixture of fucking, touching, lovemaking, foreplay, and everything in between.

It almost seemed like years since he had last been with her, and he couldn’t help but think of the time since he last saw her as just going through the motions. Oliver thought he had been doing well, remembered feeling good some days, even if there was still a nagging feeling that something was wrong. Yet now that he looked back on it, everything seemed so...empty, bleak.

It almost amazed him how he had practically stumbled upon Chloe, not her in the physical sense, but her as a woman that he could have a physical relationship with, have romantic feelings for, and eventually love. It shocking to him that he had known her for years, that she had been standing right there the whole time, and it never once occurred to him, ever, that she could have been something more. It wasn’t that this was the first time he mulled over that fact.

The reasons he gave varied on occasion. Sometimes he figured it was because they had other things going on in their lives and weren’t able to notice one another. When he met her they were both involved with other people. Lois and he were over soon enough, although it hadn’t been over for him as quickly as it had been for Lois. Chloe and Jimmy lasted longer though. Still, it didn’t mean he wouldn’t have noticed. Oliver had noticed married women before. In fact, as ashamed as he was, there were a few married women he had taken home. He hadn’t known them of course, one night stands that went home the next day. Chloe was a friend, and it wouldn’t have happened that way.

The most logical reason for him was that they weren’t ready for each other, weren’t compatible. Then all of a sudden, they both stood there, alone, with no one else to show affection to or the other way around. It was just that of course, it was the way they were suddenly the same. It was the way Chloe became the only person that could challenge him, who was suddenly his equal, not his sidekick. All of a sudden they were single, on even playing field, and at the very least attracted to one another. And so began his demise.

Thinking back over his time before then he frowned, recalling mostly their past misdeeds and traumas then the happy times. Oliver’s past with Chloe was such a mixture of negative moments it was amazing they were where they were. Death, anger, blame, murder, hurt, hate, self loathing, lying...and those were just the things that had happened to them together. That alone was enough to fuck you in the head. Thinking of the other things he’d been through without her, that she had been through before him, things he didn’t know about, it made him cringe.

As his thoughts took a darker turn he couldn’t help remembering the times he had been wrong. Sure he had been wrong a lot in his life, but it was the times he wronged her that for some reason were creeping up on him at that moment. It wasn’t the first time. After she had left, all he could think about were those times, regretting them. Using her for his needs to find Lex, blackmailing her, assuming she could have been a killer, calling her a traitor when he thought she was working with Davis Bloom, having a part in the death of her husband, leaving her to her own grief after, without himself, Clark or Lois to be there for her.

Looking around, Oliver frowned. For a moment, not taking comfort in Watchtower, remembering that for a time it had been just that, a tower keeping Chloe from the outside world that frightened her, one that he had a small part in creating for her.

Looking back down at her face, he wished for a moment he could go back, tell her to let Jimmy go, that Davis wasn’t worth saving, and kick himself for being such an asshole to her. Now, if anyone else treated her like he had, he would have put his fist in their face.

Somehow, it had led them to where they were at that moment, and he couldn’t help but think if he did change something he might not be there with her at that moment. The thought of Chloe not with him made him sick.

Yet even so, some part of him still wanted to go back just a few months, grab her, and tell her she couldn’t walk out that door. That no matter what he might have done in the past, there was no way he deserved the heartache.

At the thought, his throat tightened, remembering the feeling all to clearly, even with her laying next to him and unaware of the twisted paths his mind was currently taking.

Suddenly she breathed deeply, lips closing and pursing slightly as her eyes flickered under lids, lashes moving against her cheek. When her eyes opened she didn’t turn to face him right away, instead staring forward, long enough that he wondered if his heart had stopped, and then she turned her head, looking up at him, and smiling.

“Hey.”

The soft tired whisper in her voice was much more attractive than it should have been. As she shifted against him, rolling onto her back, he watched her, eyes flickering to her chest where the blanket had slipped, exposing her breasts slightly. His interest would have been peaked if his brain hadn’t worked against him, sending him plummeting into the dark corner of his mind that he had become all too familiar with. How many nights had he stayed awake, patrolling, working, staring blankly at the TV just so he wouldn’t have to lay there in the dark silence thinking about her.

How many nights did he stand on a building, watching passerby’s, spotting a woman that looked like her, hoping it was and finding out it wasn’t? How many times did he pull up a picture of her, staring at it blankly, trying to notice something new in it that he just hadn’t seen before?

Chloe, leaving him, had cut him off at the knees, disabling him in a way he hadn’t been familiar with, hadn’t been prepared for. It hurt, like nothing he had known, not since his parents had died.

He remembered blaming his mom and dad, being too young to understand, knowing it wasn’t their fault, but angry with them just the same for leaving him alone, deserting him so suddenly. Then Chloe, with all her answers, and solutions to the world’s problems, had done it to him again, taking the love she had given him and that he had given her and disappeared.

“Hey,” he whispered, his voice scratchy from being unused. Bringing his hand up, Oliver touched the side of her face hesitantly. Only hours ago his touches had been much more firm, and needy. But without the sound of harsh breathing, whimpers, skin against skin or the feel of himself inside her, her hands clinging to him, nails biting into his skin... once again, Oliver was thinking.

As he touched her, she leaned in slightly, eyes never leaving his.

“What are you thinking?” She whispered softly, her voice barely audible over the rain.

It wasn’t long ago, although it seemed like years, that asking what he was thinking would have been the last thing Chloe would have been concerned about.

Sure, she was concerned about him, wanted his opinion on almost all things, but when it had come to just them, she steered away from finding out exactly what he felt. It was almost ironic that he had waited so long for her to be on the same page as him, and now that she was, wanting to know how he felt, he almost wished she hadn’t asked, because it was the last thing he wanted to talk about. Chloe knew, of that he was sure. She wasn’t foolish, and he had made it pretty evident from the moment she had walked into Watchtower, unable to keep the words from spilling out of his mouth.

What was said had been minimal, and the feelings of loss and hurt were still very profound. Oliver couldn’t help but compare to what being with her in that moment felt like compared to what his life had been the past few months, and it was painful to remember. Then there was the fear as he remember that pain, the worry that she would get up and disappear on him again. That was a thought he was doing his best not to concern himself it.

But the few moments they spent when she entered Watchtower, talking about her disappearance, it was nowhere near enough to express how he really felt, and nowhere near enough to heal the wounds left in her wake.

Wounds...he thought back to that time at the bed and breakfast. Her need to keep her distance from him when he stepped over the line when he tried to take things a bit further. Although it was rather unlucky to be caught by that evil harpy in the woods, it was lucky for them. It had pushed them to a different level of understanding, where they both realized they had moved on from past hurts, and maybe needed each other for emotional reasons that had less to do with the physical and more to do with liking one another. Those wounds had healed; hers left by Clark, his by Lois. So far in the past, leaving just scars that were barely even noticeable.

Chloe though, he swallowed as he made the realization, had left open wounds that had no chance of healing. Time wouldn’t heal them in her absence, only her return, and if she left again she would reopen them again, creating fresh ones in her wake.

The woman at his side held his heart in her hand, with the ability to just crush it in a moment, totally debilitating him.

And still, even after all those thoughts had run through his head, Oliver still couldn’t really make sense of how they had gotten to where they were, how she had gone from Clark Kent’s smart best friend, Lois’ cousin to the love of his life and the woman who held his heart in her hands.

“Ollie?” She whispered in concern, lifting a hand to his cheek and brushing her thumb over his lips.

Turning into her hand, he pressed his lips against her palm in a gentle kiss, leaving it there for a moment before turning his head again. “Everything isn’t okay.” The pain in her eyes was immediate, as he knew it would be. It wasn’t his intention to hurt her, but it had to be said, if it wasn’t then it would fester, and maybe, in his wildest nightmares he would resent her for that, and he just couldn’t let that happen.

So many relationships in his life had been handled inappropriately; this was the one that couldn’t be screwed up. This was the one that had to work, no matter what. Even if he had to lay his heart out on the table like he had never done before. “It hurts, what you did.” Her hand fell away and wide green eyes stared up at him, every emotion evident in those orbs. It was so strange, that for so long, she had remained closed off to him, even up until the Suicide Squad took him, and now that he was back, she was an open book. Things had changed for both of them.

“I know,” she whispered softly, making no effort to say anything else. “It was the last thing I wanted.”

Oliver swallowed and nodded, because he knew it was true, but the fact of the matter was, nothing she could do or say would ease the hurt from her absence.

“If I could take it away...” Chloe began, than frowned, looking up at him and pleading with her eyes.

Oliver only shook his head, it was stupid to worry about if’s. “I’m not asking you to.” Studying her face for a moment, he lifted his hand and brought it to her cheek, trailing his thumb over her bottom lip. “Chloe...” Oliver sighed, pursing his lips and resting his thumb on her chin as his hand cradled her cheek. “There’s a lot of things I’ve been through, the death of my parents being one of them. That’s one thing I never wanted to feel again, that feeling of loss. And...” Oliver trailed off, drawing his brow together as he recalled the pain. “Chloe, you did that to me. And the only thing that kept me from hitting the bottom was knowing you were still out there, and believing you would come back.”

She swallowed, nodding, and grabbed his hand, pulling it away gently so that she could sit up, holding the blankets to her chest as she did so, and looking down at him. “Ollie,” she began gently, bringing her hand to his face and caressing his cheek softly, “I’m sorry, so sorry. But, I’ll always come back to you, no matter what. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t have done to make sure you were safe.”

That he knew. Chloe was willing to sacrifice a lot for the greater good, but he finally realized she was willing to sacrifice anything for him. When she left him, plan in mind, there was no way she knew it would definitely work, there had to have been some doubt that she may just not come out alive. There were so many things that could have gone wrong, yet here she was, at his side again. Oliver pushed himself up onto his hand, remaining on his side, and looked into her eyes. “Swear to me this is it Chloe. I don’t care what you know or what you see, swear to me you aren’t going to leave again.” There was pity in her eyes, but for once pity didn’t bother him, as long as she didn’t leave. “I can’t take it again.” His voice was horse as he spoke, emotion making it difficult to form the words.

Chloe nodded quickly, her eyes tearing up. “I won’t.” She sighed, her breath shuddering slightly, and took his face in both her hands. “I’m sorry Ollie, really I am. If I thought there was any other way, I just,” she shook her head, blinking and allowing the tears to break free, cascading down her cheeks, “I just couldn’t lose you, no matter what.”

Reaching up, Oliver slid his hand into her hair. “Don’t you think I feel the same way?” He  whispered. She only nodded, eyes shining and cheeks wet with tears. Blinking quickly, he willed away the burning in his own eyes.

“Yea, I know, I just,” Chloe shook her head, staring at him with her brow drawn together. Her hands gripped his face tighter, fingers pressing firmly against his cheek and over his jaw. “I love you.”

Oliver blew out a breath he felt as if he had been holding forever. He’d heard the words months ago over the com, thought of saying them to her earlier as he laid over her, clinging to her body, thrusting into her that night, but was too scared to utter them.

Fisting her hair in his hand he pulled her head down, lifting his own so that their lips met in a brutal kiss. She leaned into him, dropping her hands from his face and grasping his shoulders tightly. Within moments he had her underneath him, and was settled between her legs, bare bodies pressed against one another and his hardness to her core, already seeking entrance. Tearing his lips from hers as she moaned, Oliver dropped his forehead against hers and slid into her, watching as her eyes widened and she gasped at his entrance. Settled deep within her he stopped and just waited for her eyes to meet his. “I love you too.”
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